Shake it off

For a long while now, longer than I can remember, I've had a reoccurring dream. The facts or scenario is always different but the main theme isn't. I'm trying to get somewhere and I just can't get there.

It could be that I'm running late for a meeting, trying to get across to somewhere or doing all I can to get someone's attention. 

Whatever it is I want, I can't seem to reach.

By the end of the dream, I haven't reached the end.

And for someone like me, that's incredibly frustrating.

It doesn't take a genius to work out that this dream is my mind's way of working out any current worries or concerns or that it's reflective of how I need to feel in control and when I don't, I feel powerless and lost.

Deep, huh?

On a serious level, I have been feeling like a passenger to my own life recently at times. I can see what I want to do, what I want to be, but I feel like I'm stuck in mud. Unable to move in that direction.

I write lists, I organise my diary, I daydream and make plans for what's ahead. I love doing these things as I always like to look forward, but the trouble is, I don't necessarily move forward.

There's any number of examples I can give you of this. I have a lifestyle / cooking book called I Quit Sugar for Life that I got stuck into on a train journey a month ago but haven't touched since. To my mind, I need time to sit down and focus on this. One. Thing. At. A. Time.

Since having Ethan, reading isn't something I have been able to enjoy as I really find it hard to concentrate at the end of the day and it will often send me nodding off within a few pages, otherwise I just can't take anything in. So, I haven't 'made time' for it yet.

I also want to overhaul our diet and our routine and whilst I have been making note of recipes I want to try and collecting these together in my recipe card box, I haven't actually sat down and done a proper meal plan yet.

The intent is there but often, the action isn't.

Ethan's been going to bed a bit earlier these past couple of weeks and I'm generally at a loss with what to do with myself once he has gone up. Some evenings, I really just want to watch something on Netflix but then others, this is what I end up doing, or going to bed early, when I really feel I should do something else. Like, any of those other things I've been thinking about.

I just can't seem to break the spell and actually think of what to do then do it.

I know that I need to get some real exercise. I know I'm lazy and I know I need to move more for my health. Not just in a 'I know everyone needs to get some exercise' kind of way; I have high blood pressure and need to make some real changes and really get myself moving, not just thinking about moving. Oh, in my head I've talked this through and I have everything worked out. I'll get up 15 minutes earlier every morning and take Watson for a walk, now that the mornings are getting lighter. And when Ethan's in bed, I can do the same. Then on Wednesdays and the weekend, if I get up before Ethan wakes, I can squeeze in a quick 30 Day Shred workout or even have a boogie around the lounge to Just Dance on the Wii U.

Great. All sounds great.

Not that I have done any of this yet.

But I have thought of it. Honest. I've got it all planned.

When will this change into action, I wonder?

I realise this, now that I have taken a step back, realised my pattern and sat here writing this having been up since 5.30am this morning because too much was on my mind, that the only person who holds the solution, who knows the answer and who can make a difference is me.

I'm the only one who is stopping me from doing what I want or need to do.

Me.

Sure, I have an almost two year old, a demanding job and a husband and house to take care of. And yes, all those things require a lot of care, thought, attention and time. Time can be lacking. But I'm not unique and somehow, other people find a way so I must be able to too.

I think we can all put too much pressure on ourselves to do more and be more but I also think know that we do have choices and we can make room for whatever we want or need to. There's nothing to really stop us, it's just a case of making room and working out how to do all that we want. A compromise here, a little motivation there.

So, I've given myself a talking to and I'm determined to break this life lethargy I seem to have had of late. Getting into a routine that works is one thing but being uninspired, downright lazy or just stuck in a rut is something else altogether.

I just need to shake it off.