It just keeps getting better

The feeling when you bring your newborn home for the first time is indescribable. It's more a mixture of emotions than any one thing alone - excitement, fear, shock, love, you feel them all - and for the first few months, you have to take things one step at a time. You've never been a mum before, you've never met this little person before and you've never felt the way you do before. It can all be a bit much.

When your baby is young, you don't get very much feedback from them. They're so small and vulnerable and need you for everything, you simply give them what they need, knowing they can't communicate or do very much in return. This may sound a bit obvious but it came as a surprise to me just how one-sided relationship it can be during those first few months. I've always tried to be as honest as I can be on this blog, and many other mums its seems are doing the same. The Motherhood posted this last week, including an interview with Clemmie from Gas and Air, who wrote this post on the truth about maternity leave, which went viral.

I feel it's really important to tell other women, if they want to know, the truth about mummyhood, rather than an edited, life-is-wonderful, I-am-so-fulfilled version. I am very much a 'the more I know, the less I worry' kind of gal, and I wish someone had told me before Ethan was born just how much of a roller-coaster it can be when you go from just you two to a new family of three.

My favourite quote of Clemmie's is this:

"You will feel like a failure and that you can’t do it. You know in labour when you said ‘I can’t do this is’ and your partner and midwife said ‘You can and you are doing this’, well remember that. Because all over the country and the world other mothers are thinking the same thing. You are just climbing the huge mountain of motherhood. And no one said it was easy. Share your fears and anxieties with your mum mates because we need to be sisterly in all of this and be honest with one another."

With all that being said, mummyhood is still the most amazing experience and over time, it is more and more rewarding. As the months fly by, and they do once the sleep deprivation starts to subside and you have got used to having a baby in your life, you notice every little change and every sign of development. From smiling at you for the first time to learning to wave, laugh, sit up, crawl - every day, your baby becomes a little person who can communicate with you more and more.

I loved those early days with Ethan, with hours spent snuggling on the sofa; he would daydream about his next feed and I would daydream about the boy he'd grow into. I made him pinky swear he'd never leave me and would never be too old for cuddles.


But as each month has passed, I've found more and more to enjoy about my little boy. I remember the date of his first smile (18th June), when he first sat up unaided and then just the other day, I was so proud to see him learn how to use a toy, where you drop a ball at the top of the tower, and it spins all the way around to the bottom. Such little things but which each step, he grows stronger and his personality shines through.

He's at an age where he's starting to play by himself, making funny noises and waving his arms around. It even sounds like he's trying to join in the conversation at times and he definitely understands us more every day.

I look at this little boy of mine and I'm amazed at how much he has changed and how much fun he is. As much as us mums are nostalgic for the past, when we had a small bundle to wrap up warm and hold nice and tight, the older our babies become, the more they become their own person.

I had a wonderful day with Ethan this week, just the two of us, and I thought to myself, it just keeps getting better.

And it does. I promise.